Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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