he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
