I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
