I just saw a hot homeless man
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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