Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
