just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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