i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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