how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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