You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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