you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
