You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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