Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
