I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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