My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
