Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
