also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
