just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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