I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
