Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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