They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
