does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
love makes seman taste better
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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