he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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