mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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