Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
