I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
