I'm drive I can fine osifer
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
