dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize