wakey wakey hands off snakey
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I could make wine with my vomit
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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