I should be sponsored by Trojan
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
