I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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