i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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