My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
