You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
