He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
