im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
