Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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