Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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