We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
