my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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