working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
