It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
