i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
