I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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