I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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