Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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