I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
