I'm drive I can fine osifer
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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