Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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