i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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