Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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