I just cut my nipple shaving
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
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