This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
