I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
