I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
