Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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