At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
