Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
