And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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