talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
