In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Randomize
