No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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