my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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