She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
